If Not Me
by trishaj48
Summary: Warrick is dead and Sara is gone, Gil’s life is a mess. A shrink says he has to talk to someone, but who? As always I own nothing connected to CSI, their writers and producers do. I barrow it. My thanks to Wander52 who betaed this for me.
1. Chapter 1

If Not Me

Chapter 1

"Warrick is gone. Sara's gone back to where she ran away to, how can things be any worse?" Gil thought to himself. He was trying to get some sleep after working his 6th double in a row, but it wasn't working.

Finally he gave up; Gil got up and took a shower, put on some clean clothing and went to the kitchen. Gil grabbed a cup of coffee and forced himself to eat a muffin, he had not felt like eating lately but he knew he had to eat something. Going out the door, Gil looked at Hank.

"Funny," Gil said, "Hank seems to miss her too." The dog had not eaten much since Sara left and all he did was lay around the house. Gil had taken Hank to the vet; the vet told him he could find nothing wrong.

Upon his arrival at the lab Gil found out that Ecklie had called in a shrink, someone to help anyone who thought they needed to talk to about Warrick's death, or just about whatever might be bothering them.

Everyone was required to see the doctor at least once. Gil resented that, he could handle this himself, and Gil Grissom did not need to talk to anyone.

When Gil went to his meeting, all he could ask was if a dog could miss a person. "Am I wasting your time, Dr. Grissom?" the psychologist asked. Gil just grunted. "You will have to talk to some one about your feelings, your problems. If not me - then someone," was all she said.

Coming in from his case, Gil couldn't find Hodges, "Greg, do you know where I can find Hodges?" he asked. "Yeah, he went upstairs to talk to the doc," Greg told him, "You want me to do that for you?" "I can handle it myself," Gil said shaking his head. Walking away, Gil mumbled to himself, "Hodges should have seen a shrink a long time ago." Gil was in trace, trying to run the evidence, but he had made a few mistakes. Hodges walked in and apologized for not being there. "I got it under control," Gil said just as he dropped a test tube and it broke "I'll take care of that sir," Hodges said. Embarrassed and a little ashamed, Gil mumbled an apology and went to his office. Sitting on the couch Gil buried his face in his hands. "What the hell is the matter with me? I can't keep my mind on my work. Nothing makes sense to me," Gil said out loud to no one special.

The words of the psychologist came back to him, she had told Gil he had to talk to someone - if not her them someone. But who? Who would understand what he was feeling? No one knew the real GILBERT GRISSOM.

There was a knock at his door, lifting his head Gil saw Lady Heather. Gil motioned her in, "It is good to see you." "You also," Heather told him. She took a seat next to Gil, "I was sorry to hear about Warrick, I know he was your friend." "Yes, he was that and more," Gil said to her, "What is it you need?"

"I thought you might need to talk to someone," Heather told Gil. Gil thought he could handle it himself, thought he either could not or would not need to talk to anyone, but suddenly he was. Gil was telling Heather everything, about the helplessness he felt as Warrick's life slipped through his fingers, about how it tore his heart in two as Warrick pulled in his last breath, about how he wished he could kill the man that murdered Warrick.

Then Gil told Heather about his love for Sara, Gil started with the first time he saw her right up to the day she walked out of his life, Gil left nothing out. Gil told Heather things that, for some reason, he was never able to tell Sara. He told Heather about the emptiness he felt inside, about the mistakes he was making at the lab and how he could not concentrate on anything. "My world is coming to an end and I feel there is nothing I can do about it," Gil said.

Touching Gil's shoulder, Heather said, "Go to her." "I can't," Gil told Heather. "Listen to me," she told him, "Your world is out of order because your life is out of order. Your life is out of order because your priorities are out of order. You know how to fix it - do it." Heather stood and touched Gil's cheek, "You are a dear friend. I do not want to see you destroy yourself. Go."

Heather turned and walked out the door, Gil looked at the clock, he could not believe they had talked for over three hours. Gil picked up the phone, made arrangements and walked out the door. Heather was still standing by his door; he left so fast he did not see her. Heather smiled, took out her phone, "We talked ….. Yes ….. You're welcome."

Gil's plane landed, Sara ran to him and Gil wrapped her in his arms. "How did you know?" Gil asked between kisses. "A friend told me," Sara said. "I can't live without you," Gil told her. "I don't want to," Sara answered.

Gil grabbed his bag and as they walked to her car, Sara could not believe what she was seeing. Sara knew it was Gil but she also knew it was not HER Gil. Sara wondered when was the last time he had slept or the last time he had had a decent meal. Gil looked more like a homeless drunk than the strong man she had fell in love with.

At her apartment Sara told Gil to shower and she would fix something to eat. Gil came from the shower; he looked like a new man. Walking up behind Sara, Gil kissed her neck, saying to her "I'm only a little hungry." Sara smiled, "Try to eat." Gil sat and ate; he suddenly realized how hungry he really was. When Gil had finished, Sara took his hand, "Now you need to sleep." Gil smiled at her, "Only if you lay with me." Sara snuggled close to Gil and held him until he fell asleep.

When Gil had drifted off to sleep, Sara wiggled from his arms and covered him. She went to the bathroom and collected Gil's dirty clothing and the towels he had used. Going to the kitchen, she tossed them in the washer and cleared the table. When all this was done, Sara went to the couch, picked up her book and read. She was determined not to wake Gil.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In the bedroom Gil rolled over in the bed, wanting to hold Sara, but she was not there. He jumped out of the bed and went through the house calling her name, she was no where to be found. Gil fell to his knees and cried, calling out her name. A hand gently shook him, "Darling. Wake up."

Gil opened his eyes and found himself looking into those soft brown eyes, he had been dreaming of. Gil was still crying as Sara held him tight against her. "I'm here," Sara whispered tenderly. She cradled Gil as he cried. "In all the time I have known Gil I don't think I have ever seen him like this," Sara thought to herself.

Gil's sobbing stopped, his breathing became relaxed and even, as he had fallen back to sleep. Sara ran her fingers through Gil's hair as he slept with his head on her shoulder and his arms around her waist.

Sara almost had not recognized Gil when he got off the plane and Heather was right - he was a mess. Heather had called Sara and told her everything that had happened after she left the second time. Sara could not believe that Gil Grissom would make mistakes! Working to hard, yes, that she could believe; Gil's work was his life. Sara always thought Gil worked too hard, but the rest of it? Gil never lost his temper, yet Heather had told her how Gil would jump on everyone. "I do believe Conrad could learn a few things from Gil," Heather had told Sara.

Sara moved from Gil and rested his head on a pillow and covered him, hoping he could rest this time. Sara went to the kitchen and fixed tea then went back to her book. After what seemed like only a few minutes, Sara closed the book, stood and stretched; looking at the clock Sara could not believe four hours had passed. Sara headed for the kitchen when she heard Gil and heard the panic in his voice as he called her name. Going to the bedroom, Sara found him sitting on the edge of the bed. "It's alright," Sara said. Gil pulled her to him and he laid his head on her chest as Sara bent down and kissed the top of his head.

"Are you hungry?" Sara asked. Gil nodded, "Let me wash first." "You wash and I will get things started," Sara said, kissing him.

Sara was in the kitchen when she heard a phone ring, it was not hers. Sara picked up Gil's phone looking at the caller ID she seen ECKLIE.

"Hello," Sara said.

"Who is this?" Ecklie demanded.

"Sara," she said.

"I should have known that he would go to you," Ecklie said, sarcasm in his voice, "Tell him to call me."

Gil came into the kitchen, wrapped Sara in his arms and kissed her. "You got a phone call," Sara said told Gil. "Ecklie?" Gil said. "Yes, he wants you to call him," Sara said, handing Gil his phone. Gil took the phone and put it in his pocket, "Later. We need to talk first." Sara handed Gil a glass of tea and nodded toward the living room.

Sitting on the sofa Gil started, "I don't …." his phone rang again. Gil looked at it, again it was Ecklie. "I have to," Gil said. Sara nodded. The new phones had a speaker option on them; Gil answered it, turning on the speaker. What Sara heard next was more then she could believe:

GRISSOM: Grissom

ECKLIE: What the hell is the matter with you? You know better

then to take off without telling anyone.

GRISSOM: I told Catherine.

ECKLIE: You did not tell me and I never gave you permission.

GRISSOM: I didn't want to. What is it you need?

ECKLIE: I need your butt back here where it belongs. We are

short handed and you're needed.

GRISSOM: I don't think I ……

ECKLIE: Look here, Grissom. You can't walk out like you own

the place. You had better be back here in the morning.

GRISSOM: I ……..

ECKLIE: Think about what you are doing. I could fire you for

leaving the way you did. Are you willing to give up

everything you worked for? The lab is your first

priority. Nothing is worth ……..

Now it was Gil's turn to cut Ecklie off.

GRISSOM: (Looking at Sara) Fire me if you want, I don't care.

Nothing is worth losing Sara, she is my first

priority. Sara is my life and without her I'm useless.

With that said Gil hung up the phone and took Sara's hands in his; "As I started to say, I don't know why I can't put into words what I feel in my heart."

Sara smiled at him, "You just did."

Gil pulled Sara close to him and in her ear he whispered, "Here - on the moon - I don't care where we are, as long as we are together. I will never let you go again." Sara buried her face in his chest and cried tears of joy. Gil would never know how much the words he said met to her.

Gil's phone rang again - Ecklie again. Sara handed it to him.

"Grissom ….. That's fine." was all Sara heard.

"He fired you?" Sara asked. Gil laughed, "No. Ecklie gave me a two month leave. He told me to RETHINK my priorities and what I might have to lose."

"Ecklie is right," Sara said, "You have spent your whole life building up …." Gil's kiss stopped her, "Sara, I love you. Without you I have no life. I have two months of R&R and I know just how I want to start it."

Gil looked into her eyes, she seen a burning desire in them that equaled her own, so Sara took Gil's hand and went to the bedroom.

Gil kissed his way down Sara's chest, undoing the buttons of her blouse as he licked and kissed every inch of uncovered skin. He enjoyed the enticing sweet taste of her. Gil tenderly pulled a nipple into his mouth, sucking and rolling it around with his tongue.

He relished the subdued moans emerging from the depth of her throat,

Gil could feel himself grow hard as he slipped his hand in between her legs. Sara groaned loudly and spread them open for him, giving him more room. Running a finger up and down her clit, Gil smiled; Sara was already wet for him. Gil slipped a finger inside her and Sara screamed with the pleasure it brought her.

Gil moved to between Sara legs, she was lost in the ecstasy as her womanhood throbbed with pleasure that his fingers and tongue was giving her. Sara exploded in Gil's mouth. Gil rose above Sara and he entered her, Gil wanted this to last, his mind begged him to go slow, but his need for her soon overtook all his common scenes. His thrusts became harder, more demanding and Gil was pounding into Sara in a way he never had before. Sara was panting, groaning and calling his name, begging for more. Nothing mattered now except his need for her, and as he called her name Gil exploded, Sara could feel his hot juices crash against her walls.

Gil rolled from atop Sara and held her close to him; tears were falling from Sara's eyes. "I am sorry," Gil whispered, "Did I hurt you?" "No," Sara said, "I'm just so happy." as she kissed him.


	3. Chapter 3

With his physical needs satisfied Gil closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep. Sara slept also, but not as long as Gil did. After she woke up, she went about doing some things that needed to be done. Sara would look in on Gil occasionally, but she was not going to wake him.

Sara was in the kitchen when Gil came to her, "I guess I must have been tired," Gil said stretching. "I would say so," Sara told him. Gil looked at the clock as he fixed his coffee. "That two hour nap did me a world of good. But you always did know how to help me relax." Gil put his arms around her waist and kissed her.

Sara smiled at Gil, "More like 26 hours. Today is Friday."

"FRIDAY? I am so sorry, I….." Gil started to say.

"Catherine told me you hardly slept," Sara said giving Gil a quick kiss, "Now sit, I have fixed us something to eat."

"Catherine?" Gil said sitting down.

"Yes. She called while you were 'napping'," Sara said. "What was it she needed?" Gil asked, "Why didn't you wake me?" "She was just checking up on you," Sara said, "Everyone is worried about you. Catherine told me not to wake you, she also said you were the talk of the lab." Gil looked at her, between bites and he said "Excuse me?" "It seems your conversation with Ecklie is getting around," Sara said, laughing.

Gil and Sara spent the rest of his leave working on their relationship. They had known each other for over 10 years, but there were a lot of 'cracks' in it. They had never taken the time to stabilize the relationship. They were both too busy with their jobs and side stepping their problems to make sure the relationship was strong. But now Gil and Sara were sure that each other were all they wanted and all that was really important was their love. Gil too, realized that the job was getting to him. He had spent the better part of his time shutting out life and dodging what was really important that he almost wasted his life. Gil, too, decided that nothing he was doing was making an impact - he chased down the 'bad guys' but it seemed for every one he put away four more would come around.

"I spoke to Conrad yesterday," Gil told Sara, "I'm giving him three months to find someone to replace me. I also talked to Professor Goldman and I told him I would be available in three months to take that professorship he offered me." All Sara could do was look at Gil, "Who are you and what did you do with my Grissom?" Sara asked, with a smile on her face. Gil laughed and pulled her into a hug, "I finally made him realize what was important in his life."

Gil had two days left in San Francisco so he and Sara were walking in one of the parks near her apartment. Gil sat on a bench and motioned for her to sit next to him.

"Sara," Gil said looking into her eyes, "I don't want to lose you and these two months have made me realize just how important you are to me. If you will still have me after the ass I have been, I would be honored if you would be my wife."

Sara was stunned, Gil had asked her to marry him before and she had told him YES, but they both kept coming up with excuses to put it off. "When?" Sara asked. "Right now. We can go over to City Hall," Gil said, taking her hand, "That is unless you would rather wait and have a traditional wedding." "No," Sara said, "I do not want a traditional wedding, I want YOU." Gil stood and took her hand, City Hall was right across the park. 15 minutes later they walked out as Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert Grissom. That night when they made love it was if it was the first time, the passion was more intense as was their climaxes. Gil and Sara spent the night in each others arms, neither wanting to sleep. The morning came when Gil had to go back, they had decided that Sara would stay and find a house for them, as Gil kissed her good bye he promised to come back as often as he could.

Gil's first stop when he got back to Vegas was to see Lady Heather. Gil wanted to thank her for everything she had done and then he told her that he and Sara had married. "I am so glad you were able to work it out," Heather told Gil.

At the lab that night Gil apologized to everyone for the way he had been acting, he then made his announcement. "I am leaving Vegas," Gil told them, "In three months I am going back to San Francisco and teach full time. Sara and I were married before I left and we are going to start a new life together."

Gil was not the only member of the team that made a life changing decision. It seemed Warrick's death was their downfall, none of the team could stay, everywhere they went memories of their friend haunted them.

Greg was the first to go, his book had been picked up by a publisher and Greg started a promotional tour.

Catherine was next, she had contacted Horatio Caine and he offered Catherine a position in the Miami lab.

Nick was the last of the team to go, he decided to move back to Texas and take a job with the CSI unit in Dallas. Sophia went with him and they planned to marry in the next year.

Jim did not stay either, he moved to Hollywood so he could be closer to Annie.

Gil stayed true to his word, he stayed the three months and trained his replacement. Gil's last day in Vegas was spent packing up his office and home, which he had sold to Hodges. David agreed to keep Hank and Gil's belongs until Gil and Sara found the house they wanted.

Gil's plane landed and once again Sara was waiting for him. Gil wrapped Sara in his arms, "I will never let you go again." At the apartment they were looking at pictures of the homes that Sara thought might fit their needs. "I really like this one," Sara said pulling up the information on a split level three bedroom house out in the country. "Hank can run and chase whatever he wants," Sara said.

"I like the idea of the den," Gil said, "But why do we need three bedrooms?"

"Well we can use one as a guest room in case any of the old team wants to stop by," Sara said with an impish smile on her face, "And the third one will make a great nursery."

Gil looked at her, "You are …. We are ….?" "It must have happened your last night here," Sara said smiling, "The doctor said I am three months along."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Gil questioned, holding her close to him and kissing her.

"I knew you had to wrap up things in Vegas," Sara said, "I thought you would want to come back here sooner if you knew. I don't want any lose ends."

Gil just looked at Sara and smiled, she knew him all to well.

"Are you upset?" Sara asked. "Not at all, I am thrilled," Gil told her. Sara handed him a picture, "We are having a son."

The End


End file.
